STAGES OF HEALING
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
STAGE I - DENIAL I deny that I have a problem. I just drink a
few glasses of wine every day to soothe my nerves. I paste a
smile on my face and pretend I am not bothered by my spouse,
children, boss or parents. My mild depression seems normal and
OK.
This stage is often confusing. Am I really in denial of a
problem or is my lack of concern caused by the fact that I
really don't have a problem? In either case, anger on your part
will probably be unsuccessful in getting me to change. For if I
am denying a real problem, my denial is already defensive. Anger
by you then will often just make me more defensive and less
willing to listen to you. If your anger is directed at my
non-problem, your anger is just going to seem foolish to me. I
am then likely to conclude that you are the one with a problem
that needs solving.
STAGE II - BLAME / HELPLESSNESS I deny any fixable problem
(i.e., fixable by me). I have a problem but there is nothing I
can do about it; because it is all your fault, because I tried
once to change it without success, because that is the way life
is, because everyone is the same as me, etc. But I do admit I
have a problem. This is often the stage of righteousness,
judgments and anger that serve to keep me preoccupied with what
I believe you should be doing rather than face my own
discomfort. I often claim that it is impossible to change my
unhappiness and anger until you change. If there is one stage
that most represents the USA in the late 1980s and early 1990s,
it is this stage. It seems as if each group is placing blame on
outsiders for its problems and difficulties, thus dodging
individual and collective responsibilities for changing group
insiders. We have often convinced ourselves that others need to
change before happiness is possible for us. Suppose they never
change? Are we then not locking ourselves into perpetual
unhappiness? The choice to be "happy" instead of "right" is
frequently encountered and often difficult to make. I believe
this blaming righteous stage has been useful and necessary, for
we have learned that anger and speaking out are OK. But I
believe we will be harmed if we remain there much longer. It is
also the unhappiest stage of healing.
STAGE III - WAITING I have a fixable problem but choose to do
nothing about it right now. This is a common resting point that
we all necessarily choose every day for at least some of our
problems. We only can work on so many problems at once. The
fewer the problems we choose to work on, the more likely will be
our success at those fewer problems. Waiting does not
necessarily deserve to be pejoratively labeled as
procrastination, though such a label may occasionally be the
truth. There is the need for occasional complete abstinence from
"working on our problems" for a few days or weeks or even much
longer.
| Personal growth is like a hike of a million and one steps; one at a time is the only way.
|
STAGE IV - WORKING on my problem
Stage IVa - Making a New Choice It is essential to make a
new choice such as: talk to my boss, parents, spouse or child in
a new way, read a book on my problem (this book or one oriented
to my specific problem), plan to record one's dreams, start a
journal, meditate about the problem, try self-hypnosis, find a
therapist, etc. Impulses need to be consulted, acknowledged and
tried out (if they are not damaging). Most often the best new
choice is just a small change to the previous choice.
Stage IVb - Evaluating the New Choice Do I still have the
problem/ symptoms? If yes, then I need to return to stage IVa to
make a new choice or to stage III to let the problem rest for a
time. My newer choice may just be a small modification if my
earlier choice seemed to be along the right track. My newer
choice will probably be very different if my earlier choice
seemed to result in disaster.
Stage V - RESOLVING (Letting That Old Problem Go). This is the
stage where a particular problem or symptom finally seems small
and no longer dominates me. Forgiveness, not the glib kind, is
required here. Many "forgive" others falsely. When I dredge up
or when I still feel strongly about old arguments/ actions, then
I have not forgiven, and I have therapy/ growth work to do.
Genuine forgiveness implies that not only do I fully understand
why my parents (for example) intentionally or unintentionally
traumatized me the way they did, but I fully understand my
reactions and responses over the years. The words "if only"
become meaningless, for I totally accept, without regrets, the
problem (or symptom) and its history.
Next Excerpt 
More Excerpts This Chapter
STAGES OF HEALING
MAKING CHANGES IN SMALL STEPS (Stage IVa above)
"IMPOSSIBLE" SUCCESSES
PROCRASTINATION
A PERSONAL EXAMPLE
CHANGING OTHERS EFFECTIVELY
A LOUSY WAY OF MAKING CHANGES = SELF CRITICISM
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