THE SEARCH FOR APPROVAL
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
So widespread is this search for approval that it draws little
notice. It is a trait that typically has its roots in both real
wants and neurotic wants. (Adult neurotic wants = adult wants
caused by leftover feelings from childhood.) Most of us really
do want to be appreciated and liked. Therefore, some bending of
ourselves to others' wishes is to be expected from all of us.
Yet, difficulty arises because one of our childhood strategies
was to try to get the most from our parenting figures. The
strategy caused us to twist ourselves in any way possible that
would give us their approval, which most of us, as children,
mistook for love. This childhood bending has caused most of us
to be out of touch with some of our real wants. We often deny
our real wants.
| Millions of mothers are as sexist about childrearing as their husbands are sexist about job roles. |
Should Exam. For a few minutes list all the "shoulds" you can
think of that you have for both others and yourself. Do this now
before reading further ......... The fewer you can find, the
happier you are. Had you ever considered that your use of the
word should is an attempt to lay your own (or your parents')
trip on others? Be on the lookout for the word should. For it
usually shows that one is passing on automatically some
unexamined ideas.* Go back over your list. Can you drop a few of
them? Each one of them represents a search for parental approval
without complete personal authenticity. (It is this author's
goal never to feel as if another person should do something or
not.) Every should you have for others is an ounce of
unhappiness for you, also a barrier between yourself and others.
Trying for others' approval is an unhappy venture in adulthood,
for it usually boomerangs. I suggest a personal goal of dropping
your needs for others' approval. The process of achieving that
goal is typically long, yet definitely worth the resulting yield
of happiness dividends.
Next Excerpt 
More Excerpts This Chapter
ARE 97% OF FAMILIES NEUROTIC?
TRAUMATIZING CHILDREN - 97% OF THEM?
ARE WE REALLY HUMANE?
EFFECTIVE PARENTING
OUR CURRENT FAMILIES BRING OUT OUR SKEWNESS
MOTHERS CAN BE SEXIST TOO
MANY MEN STILL ABDICATE THEIR PARENTING ROLES
WORKING MOMS - ARE THEIR KIDS OK?
LATCHKEY CHILDREN DON'T DO AS WELL
THE SEARCH FOR APPROVAL
THE ELDERLY
This Chapter's Quiz
Book Table of Contents
Sexual Education Psychology
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THE SEARCH FOR APPROVAL © 1995-99