BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS

The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.


How can you tell whether the blame you feel is valuable or useless? Many are full of blame these days, blame directed at white males, at black males, at feminists, at government, at fundamentalists, at gays, at the police, at the patriarchy. Those who so blame will seemingly continue to do so until all those being blamed change. Such a 100% perfect result is impossible. Do you enjoy the feeling of everlasting blame? Do you want that feeling for the next 40 years? Such blame keeps the blaming person feeling unhappy. Blame is also often becoming unproductive now in eliciting changes (those blamed frequently feel attacked and defend themselves).


On the other hand, I do consider another type of blame to be valuable. One common feeling within trauma knots is childhood blame, which was often hidden, along with many other feelings and words, at the time of childhood traumas. This blame is directed at someone (usually one or more parenting figures) for not doing "what they should have done" and thus "they caused the trauma." To untie trauma knots it is often useful and productive to blame those parents of yesteryear. The kid within typically needs to blame the parent of yesteryear for the trauma. If that is all that happens, then this type of blame too may never end, for other blocked feelings within the trauma knot must also be felt. If all blocked feelings are felt, then the blame at parents for that particular trauma will end. For the next trauma knot, there will be more childhood blame that can also be resolved by untying enough strands of that next knot.


Any blame I feel about today's life events is a clear indicator that I am avoiding my own issues.

When clients start upon a course of early-childhood-trauma work with me, I frequently suggest that for about two months that they blame their parents (of many years ago) for all their hangups, all their problems, and all their discomforts. I suggest saying such blaming words only when clients are by themselves or with me, not in person to their parents of today. (Though many do attempt it in person, this results in virtually no success at trauma resolution but sometimes a bit of understanding from the parent of today. Unhappily, the parent of today often denies the validity of the blame.) Best results are often obtained when the blame for a specific problem is voiced aloud to the parent of yesteryear with eyes closed and with a picture of that parent in one's mind: for example, "Mommy, Daddy, you are causing my problem with X." Because most difficulties have their roots in early childhood, such blame is usually accurate and helps to loosen associated childhood trauma knots.


Even today, 23 years after starting my own early childhood therapy work, I sometimes need to blame my parents for a new-to-my-conscious unexplored trauma knot. Such blame usually lasts 15 seconds or less, and then I go on to other aspects of the trauma knot.


Am I Stuck in Blame? If childhood blame for a particular problem persists, it is a clear indicator to me that I am stuck. Any blame I feel about today's life events is also a clear indicator that I am avoiding my own issues. (See next chapter for more on this last statement.) If you, the reader, are stuck, then you may wish to choose to make a new choice (see Stage IV in Chapter 4).


We all regularly face the choice to remain stuck or to pursue happier alternatives. This is popularly known as the choice between "being right" and "being happy." This author most definitely recommends dropping the shoulds associated with "being right." For self-righteousness alienates others, is often a shaky unstable prop for one's ego, and leads to unhappiness whenever "wrong" ideas/ people/ actions are in view. If self-righteousness or blame of any sort persists, being stuck and being unhappy also persist. To summarize, temporary blame is often essential to the permanent release of trauma knots, whereas blame that persists is clear evidence of being stuck in unhappiness.

Next Excerpt  

If you avoid any specific feeling long enough, it will come to dominate you. You will be fearful and live your life as if some shark below were poised for attack. Feel the feeling and that shark disappears.

More Excerpts This Chapter
   Therapy 4-H Club: PEOPLE ARE NOT FLOCKING TO JOIN THIS CLUB
   BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS
   HATRED
   HURT
   HOPELESSNESS
   HEALING
   THE FUTURE


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