BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
How can you tell whether the blame you feel is valuable or
useless? Many are full of blame these days, blame directed at
white males, at black males, at feminists, at government, at
fundamentalists, at gays, at the police, at the patriarchy.
Those who so blame will seemingly continue to do so until all
those being blamed change. Such a 100% perfect result is
impossible. Do you enjoy the feeling of everlasting blame? Do
you want that feeling for the next 40 years? Such blame keeps
the blaming person feeling unhappy. Blame is also often becoming
unproductive now in eliciting changes (those blamed frequently
feel attacked and defend themselves).
On the other hand, I do consider another type of blame to be
valuable. One common feeling within trauma knots is childhood
blame, which was often hidden, along with many other feelings
and words, at the time of childhood traumas. This blame is
directed at someone (usually one or more parenting figures) for
not doing "what they should have done" and thus "they caused the
trauma." To untie trauma knots it is often useful and productive
to blame those parents of yesteryear. The kid within typically
needs to blame the parent of yesteryear for the trauma. If that
is all that happens, then this type of blame too may never end,
for other blocked feelings within the trauma knot must also be
felt. If all blocked feelings are felt, then the blame at
parents for that particular trauma will end. For the next trauma
knot, there will be more childhood blame that can also be
resolved by untying enough strands of that next knot.
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Any blame I feel about today's life events is a clear indicator that I am avoiding my own issues. |
When clients start upon a course of early-childhood-trauma work
with me, I frequently suggest that for about two months that
they blame their parents (of many years ago) for all their
hangups, all their problems, and all their discomforts. I
suggest saying such blaming words only when clients are by
themselves or with me, not in person to their parents of today.
(Though many do attempt it in person, this results in virtually
no success at trauma resolution but sometimes a bit of
understanding from the parent of today. Unhappily, the parent of
today often denies the validity of the blame.) Best results are
often obtained when the blame for a specific problem is voiced
aloud to the parent of yesteryear with eyes closed and with a
picture of that parent in one's mind: for example, "Mommy,
Daddy, you are causing my problem with X." Because most
difficulties have their roots in early childhood, such blame is
usually accurate and helps to loosen associated childhood trauma
knots.
Even today, 23 years after starting my own early childhood
therapy work, I sometimes need to blame my parents for a
new-to-my-conscious unexplored trauma knot. Such blame usually
lasts 15 seconds or less, and then I go on to other aspects of
the trauma knot.
Am I Stuck in Blame? If childhood blame for a particular problem
persists, it is a clear indicator to me that I am stuck. Any
blame I feel about today's life events is also a clear indicator
that I am avoiding my own issues. (See next chapter for more on
this last statement.) If you, the reader, are stuck, then you
may wish to choose to make a new choice (see Stage IV in Chapter
4).
We all regularly face the choice to remain stuck or to pursue
happier alternatives. This is popularly known as the choice
between "being right" and "being happy." This author most
definitely recommends dropping the shoulds associated with
"being right." For self-righteousness alienates others, is often
a shaky unstable prop for one's ego, and leads to unhappiness
whenever "wrong" ideas/ people/ actions are in view. If
self-righteousness or blame of any sort persists, being stuck
and being unhappy also persist. To summarize, temporary blame is
often essential to the permanent release of trauma knots,
whereas blame that persists is clear evidence of being stuck in
unhappiness.
Next Excerpt 
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If you avoid any specific feeling long enough, it will come to dominate you. You will be fearful and live your life as if some shark below were poised for attack. Feel the feeling and that shark disappears. |
More Excerpts This Chapter
Therapy 4-H Club: PEOPLE ARE NOT FLOCKING TO JOIN THIS CLUB
BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS
HATRED
HURT
HOPELESSNESS
HEALING
THE FUTURE
This Chapter's Quiz
Book Table of Contents
Sexual Education Psychology
BLAMING IS VALUABLE - BLAMING IS USELESS © 1995-2004