MUST LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FEEL BAD?

The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.


When someone doesn't understand us and without any awareness walks over our feelings, most of us feel at least a twinge of discomfort. The real problem is that almost all our childhood trauma knots are triggered when we are not understood. If our families had understood back then, they would have done things differently and prevented most of our psychological traumas. Therefore, any perceived lack of understanding in the present triggers the pain and stress associated with childhood trauma knots we have yet untied.


But is this automatic, to become unhappy when someone doesn't understand us? If a native from the jungle doesn't understand us, we are not bothered. Therefore our unhappiness is not automatic, for it depends upon our expectations. If we can let go the expectations for others to understand us, then we will not be bothered when they do misunderstand. Isn't it foolish to expect understanding from so many? We rarely have even one or two people in our lives who even seem close to understanding us fully. To expect those with very different upbringings to understand us just causes us unhappiness. And it is not necessary, if we can let go our expectations for them. Millions of men, women, blacks, whites, straights and gays are caught in this understanding trap, expecting our opposites to understand. They will never fully understand, for their life experiences have been very different. (Nor do we understand them as well as we have led ourselves to believe.)


Getting Out of the I-Need-You-to-Understand Trap. The first key is to accept that it is possible to not be bothered by others' lack of understanding. Then, repeat the following statements to yourself five times whenever you are triggered by others' lack of understanding: "I don't need their understanding" and "Of course they don't understand. Their life experiences have been very different from mine." (If you are capable of resolving traumas a la Chapter 10, then that is another possible method of extricating yourself from this trap.)


Needing someone else to understand is a trap that causes millions of us lifelong happiness deficits.

It has been extremely popular recently for lack of understanding to be given the incorrect labels of sexism, racism and homophobia. To those so using the labels incorrectly this author shouts, "Cease and desist!"


Exercise for Those Frequently Using the Words Sexism, Racism or Homophobia. The first time you use one of those words, pat yourself on the back. The next eleven times you use it, take the following three steps: (1)take a wooden 12-inch ruler in your right hand and rap the knuckles of your left hand, (2)then using your left hand, raise your right foot to your mouth and insert foot, and finally, (3)look up as eleven cream pies hit you in the face.


Somehow, I don't think you did the above exercise. But my intent was to use the humor in hopes that you, the reader, would associate something different with the words sexism, racism and homophobia. Perhaps you will think of a cream pie in the face when you are next tempted to use such a word. For I believe that the current overuse of such buzzwords is now having deleterious effects upon the goals of women, blacks and gays. In the initial stages of change, it was very helpful to use such words, but today we are no longer in those initial stages of societal change.


Where misunderstanding is the real issue, just calling it "misunderstanding" will promote dialogue with the 80% of the population who aren't claiming gender/ racial/ sexual superiority. That friendly 80% know they aren't racist, sexist or anti-gay for they have thought about such issues, looked inside themselves and found no belief in innate superiority. Blaming and pejorative labels today often just alienate that friendly 80% and will not change the rigid 20% who retain their old sexist/ racist/ anti-gay ideas.

Next Excerpt  

Those who frequently use the words sexism, racism or homophobia are often stuck in the blame game, waiting for others to change so that they can finally be happy.

More Excerpts This Chapter
   OUR FAVORITE GROUPS: THIS AUTHOR WANTS YOU!
   CELEBRATION TIME
   MUST LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FEEL BAD?
   HARD TRUTHS @ UNDERSTANDING AND BEING UNDERSTOOD
   YOUR GROUP HAS THE SAME PROBLEMS AS ACME INC.
   GOING-ALONG DISEASE
   BLAMING OTHERS DISEASE
   EFFECTIVE ACTIVISM TODAY
   THINK GLOBALLY, ACT LOCALLY


This Chapter's Quiz
Book Table of Contents  
Psychology of Sex Education - Psychological Sexual Health Care

MUST LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FEEL BAD? © 1995-2004