MUST LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FEEL BAD?
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
When someone doesn't understand us and without any awareness
walks over our feelings, most of us feel at least a twinge of
discomfort. The real problem is that almost all our childhood
trauma knots are triggered when we are not understood. If our
families had understood back then, they would have done things
differently and prevented most of our psychological traumas.
Therefore, any perceived lack of understanding in the present
triggers the pain and stress associated with childhood trauma
knots we have yet untied.
But is this automatic, to become unhappy when someone doesn't
understand us? If a native from the jungle doesn't understand
us, we are not bothered. Therefore our unhappiness is not
automatic, for it depends upon our expectations. If we can let
go the expectations for others to understand us, then we will
not be bothered when they do misunderstand. Isn't it foolish to
expect understanding from so many? We rarely have even one or
two people in our lives who even seem close to understanding us
fully. To expect those with very different upbringings to
understand us just causes us unhappiness. And it is not
necessary, if we can let go our expectations for them. Millions
of men, women, blacks, whites, straights and gays are caught in
this understanding trap, expecting our opposites to understand.
They will never fully understand, for their life experiences
have been very different. (Nor do we understand them as well as
we have led ourselves to believe.)
Getting Out of the I-Need-You-to-Understand Trap. The first key
is to accept that it is possible to not be bothered by others'
lack of understanding. Then, repeat the following statements to
yourself five times whenever you are triggered by others' lack
of understanding: "I don't need their understanding" and "Of
course they don't understand. Their life experiences have been
very different from mine." (If you are capable of resolving
traumas a la Chapter 10, then that is another possible method of
extricating yourself from this trap.)
|
Needing someone else to understand is a trap that causes millions of us lifelong happiness deficits. |
It has been extremely popular recently for lack of understanding
to be given the incorrect labels of sexism, racism and
homophobia. To those so using the labels incorrectly this author
shouts, "Cease and desist!"
Exercise for Those Frequently Using the Words Sexism, Racism or
Homophobia. The first time you use one of those words, pat
yourself on the back. The next eleven times you use it, take
the following three steps: (1)take a wooden 12-inch ruler in your right hand and rap
the knuckles of your left hand, (2)then using your left hand,
raise your right foot to your mouth and insert foot, and
finally, (3)look up as eleven cream pies hit you in the face.
Somehow, I don't think you did the above exercise. But my intent
was to use the humor in hopes that you, the reader, would
associate something different with the words sexism, racism and
homophobia. Perhaps you will think of a cream pie in the face
when you are next tempted to use such a word. For I believe that
the current overuse of such buzzwords is now having deleterious
effects upon the goals of women, blacks and gays. In the initial
stages of change, it was very helpful to use such words, but
today we are no longer in those initial stages of societal
change.
Where misunderstanding is the real issue, just calling it
"misunderstanding" will promote dialogue with the 80% of the
population who aren't claiming gender/ racial/ sexual
superiority. That friendly 80% know they aren't racist, sexist
or anti-gay for they have thought about such issues, looked
inside themselves and found no belief in innate superiority.
Blaming and pejorative labels today often just alienate that
friendly 80% and will not change the rigid 20% who retain their
old sexist/ racist/ anti-gay ideas.
Next Excerpt 
| Those who frequently use the words sexism, racism or homophobia are often stuck in the blame game, waiting for others to change so that they can finally be happy.
|
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MUST LACK OF UNDERSTANDING FEEL BAD?
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