BE HAPPY GETTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
This seems impossible to achieve, to be happy when we get
things we don't want. The reason it seems impossible is that we
believe we should be unhappy when we don't get what we want. (In
all of this, there is the following truth: if we believe such a
situation calls for unhappiness, we will be unhappy.) The
essence of changing such unhappiness is to change the underlying
belief that it is normal and natural to become unhappy when we
don't get what we want. Having to change one's ice cream flavor if they have run out of
chocolate is not a situation in which most of us would agree
that unhappiness would be automatic. There would be far less
agreement about other "more important" wants such as a desired
new job or love interest that failed to develop. Yet it really
is in how we think about these denied wants. If I start
emphasizing in my head all the reasons why that new desired job
was not ideal or emphasizing my spiritually-based belief that
"my higher self (or God/ Higher Power/ karma) makes sure I
always get what I really need," then unhappiness is not likely.
(And if it does appear, then I have self-therapy to do.)
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The ultimate in self responsibility: Wherever I am unhappy, there is where I need to change myself. Most of us blame others. |
Recently during the Mississippi River flooding, several
big-city reporters were astonished at the reactions of a few of
the midwesterners who had lost homes and livelihoods to the
river. For some of those experiencing such catastrophic losses
were not unhappy or stressed out. (Such losses are expected as a
part of living close to the land or sea by farmers and
fishermen. Therefore, unhappiness during such natural disasters
might be for a very limited time, perhaps just for a few
minutes.) Those incredulous reporters didn't realize that they
were the ones who probably could have used therapy most at that
moment!
There may be childhood successes as well as childhood trauma
associated with this belief in automatic unhappiness when I
don't get what I want. Many of us as toddlers learned to
threaten a tantrum or tears in the supermarket when denied a
favorite food item; this often resulted in our gaining the item.
Thus, we learned that we sometimes could get what we wanted by
being unhappy. Therefore, we sometimes continue the process
today by hoping or demanding that others respond to our
unhappiness or hurt feelings or depression. Those who did have
such early successes in getting others to respond to threatened
unhappiness will have difficulty giving up this mode of personal
relating.
As traumatized children, on the other hand, we were not
successful in getting what we actually needed, items such as
enough real love and acceptance. We wanted and needed these
items and did not get them. Most of us learned that not getting
what we needed did lead to unhappy feelings and trauma. Our
childish minds then interpreted that experience as also meaning
that not getting what we wanted was the cause of the
unhappiness. Not true.
This unhappy belief (if I don't get what I want, I'll be
unhappy) is widespread in this culture. If you wish to read
further, I suggest Kaufman's To Love Is To Be Happy With. Just
ridding this culture of this one belief would do worlds for our
society's happiness. I can be happy no matter whether I get
what I want or not. Changing yourself in this regard is not
necessarily that difficult. Often the most difficult part is
just coming to realize that such a change might be possible.
Next Excerpt 
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He whom neither slander that gradually soaks into the mind nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are successful may be called intelligent indeed... Confucius 500 B.C. |
More Excerpts This Chapter
LET ME HIT YOU WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER
THE TYRANNY OF JUDGMENTS
THAT IS THE WAY I AM
YOU MAKE ME UNHAPPY
YOU HURT MY FEELINGS- THEREFORE YOU SHOULD CHANGE
STICKS AND STONES
WE DIG THINKING RUTS
SIZE AND CONTENTS OF THE UNCONSCIOUS
NATURE VS. NURTURE VS. LIFEPLAN
THE PERFECTION THAT YOU ARE NOW
BE HAPPY GETTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT
YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT
YOU GET WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN
HOW CLOSE CAN WE COME TO "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"?
Thinking Quiz - Cognitive Psychology Test - Behavioral Therapy Selfhelp
Book Table of Contents
Psychology of Sex Education - Psychological Sexual Health Care
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