THE TYRANNY OF JUDGMENTS
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
The judgments that usually cause us the most difficulties and
distress are those that (1)judge situations/ others as right or
wrong, (2)judge situations/ others as good or bad, or (3)judge
situations as possible or impossible.
Humans have been making unhappy judgments for centuries.
Shakespeare's Hamlet (Hamlet 2.2.255-256) expressed the happier
accepting belief, "There is nothing good or bad but thinking
makes it so." If the happier alternative has been known for so
long, why hasn't it been followed? The reason is that we have
been thoroughly indoctrinated in right/ wrong and good/ bad
thinking. It is a natural thinking stage for children to pass
through, and for adults to question. Most of us incorporated
many such messages in our childhoods. We fail to see their
tyrannical nature if we retain them as adults. For right/ wrong
and good/ bad judgments about situations and others cause most
of us much unhappiness every day.
Another reason for our judgments is our poor self-esteem. Most
of us have areas of our lives (our thinking, our emotions, our
relationships, our sexuality, our addictions, our hangups, etc.)
which we judge as not being OK, areas in which we have poor
self-esteem. We then often try to make ourselves feel better at
another's expense by judging them inferior in some way, "Look at
how good I am in comparison." The macho judgment that women are
inferior has its roots in poor male self-esteem; vulnerabilty,
humaneness and caring are covered with a facade of strength.
Current male-bashing also has similar roots in poor female
self-esteem.
| Most of us are often stuck in "conditional" love, which usually does not last and is rather manipulative.
|
I personally strive never to feel or think that another's
behavior or action is ever wrong or bad. I can always find some
reasoning process to validate and accept what at first glance
may seem very wrong or bad. Usually I do this by reaffirming my
belief that each of us is perfect (as described later in this
chapter) or by reaffirming my belief in Earth School that
requires us to learn in ways that we might not consciously want
(as described further in Chapter 11). I can always find a
possible reason why such situations are as they should be,
instead of judging them to be wrong or bad. By reaffirming my
belief that whatever is in our lives is in our best interest
(more on this in Chapter 11), I am able to drop the shoulds. You
too have the capability for dropping your shoulds by truly
accepting the following happier ways of thinking: (1)we are
always perfect, (2)we all are students here on Earth School and
(3)everything in our lives is in our own best interest. Where
the word should is used, there is an unhappy judgment.
Make sure not to judge yourself as bad or wrong when you find
yourself making a judgment. For you and your judgments are, of
course, perfect for that moment. The key is to begin changing
your path toward the goal of dropping that judgment the next
time that identical situation arises. Move to Stage IV making a
new choice, rather than remain stuck in Stage II blaming of
oneself. (See Chapter 4 for more on stages.)
Some judgments are still sometimes necessary as to right/ wrong
or good/ bad for me. They are useful (not tyrannical) in
selecting appropriate action. For example, I won't do that now
because I learned in the past that it felt wrong, or because
that possibility feels wrong for me at the moment. Such
judgments do not apply to others. Just because I found something
didn't work for me today or yesterday doesn't mean that it won't
be exactly what you need to do (or, for that matter, what may
wind up being appropriate for me in the future).
There are usually objections to this along the lines of, "If I
dropped my judgments, then I wouldn't act appropriately to right
the wrong." Not at all. If you put your hand on a hot stove you
will take action in response to the pain. Later you can try to
find out why you have repeated that behavior four times in the
past week and why someone or something keeps making burns
"right" for you. You respond to pain and discomfort perfectly,
of course, for you now. Similarly, you do not need judgments to
take appropriate action in response to situations that are not
as you would like.
Next Excerpt 
More Excerpts This Chapter
LET ME HIT YOU WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER
THE TYRANNY OF JUDGMENTS
THAT IS THE WAY I AM
YOU MAKE ME UNHAPPY
YOU HURT MY FEELINGS- THEREFORE YOU SHOULD CHANGE
STICKS AND STONES
WE DIG THINKING RUTS
SIZE AND CONTENTS OF THE UNCONSCIOUS
NATURE VS. NURTURE VS. LIFEPLAN
THE PERFECTION THAT YOU ARE NOW
BE HAPPY GETTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT
YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT
YOU GET WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN
HOW CLOSE CAN WE COME TO "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"?
Thinking Quiz - Cognitive Psychology Test - Behavioral Therapy Selfhelp
Book Table of Contents
Psychology of Sex Education - Psychological Sexual Health Care
THE TYRANNY OF JUDGMENTS © 1995-2004