WE DIG THINKING RUTS
The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.
Three natural thinking patterns predominate in this culture.
While as individuals we can change these patterns, we tend to
have a favorite pattern that becomes automatic in many
circumstances. Each of these patterns has pluses and minuses.
Awareness of your favorite pattern can lead to lessening of the
minuses associated with it.
Let me call the first, the young thinking pattern. This pattern
is characterized by a strong sense of right and wrong. The
right/ wrong thinking of this pattern was usually taken on,
without any modification, directly from parenting figures,
society, or religious teachings. There have been few, if any,
changes in this thinking caused by direct experience since the
pattern was incorporated, typically in childhood. Whoever
exhibits this pattern has a sense of rightness about their
actions, their thinking, their responses and their lives. Good
self-esteem is possible. A definite plus! The minuses, however,
can be excruciating if a person does not fit the right/ wrong
image that has been incorporated. For example, some of my
clients with this pattern have difficulty feeling childhood
anger at parents because they "should honor their parents." They
wind up displacing such "wrong" feelings onto others or covering
them with addictions. To move beyond the minuses of this
thinking pattern, there are two possibilities: (1)change the
pattern or (2)change what is defined as "right." For those more
comfortable with the next two patterns, just the awareness of
being in this right/ wrong rut is often enough to start moving
out of the pattern. For those most comfortable with right/
wrong, however, the necessity for changing what is thought of as
"right" is likely to be essential.
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The ultimate in self responsibility: Wherever I am unhappy, there is where I need to change myself. Most of us blame others. |
A second thinking pattern commonly encountered in this culture
is one resulting from the belief that you and I are really the
same. If I think along these lines, you too (if only you weren't
so defensive) must think the way I do. I'll call this mature
thinking, using the terminology (young, mature, old) as
described in Messages from Michael (Yarbro 1983, 132-150). But I
intend no judgment about the relative value of these three
thinking patterns. Togetherness and joining become important
values for mature thinkers. Relationships are often rich and
filled with empathy and understanding. Yes, a strong plus!
Another plus for such mature thinkers is their willingness to
find out what is right and wrong for themselves instead of just
acquiring another's ideas without testing. The minuses often
associated with this thinking pattern are enmeshments in
unsatisfactory relationships, also anger, bewilderment and lack
of understanding when people are really different. For example,
if a mature thinking person with lots of idealism meets someone
steeped in cynicism, understanding of the cynic will probably
prove to be elusive. As there were for stuck young thinkers,
there are two possibilities for stuck mature thinkers. One
possibility is that the mature thinker can come to believe that
in some ways we are very different, which is part of the old
thinking pattern. Another possibility is to judge others as
underdeveloped because they don't think the way the mature
thinker does. Such judgments create the exact opposite of what
the mature thinker wants (togetherness, unity, and relationship).
The old thinking pattern is, "You do your thing and I'll do
mine." There is no need for us to be the same. Differences are
celebrated, provided they don't interfere with my path. This
pattern's minuses of less togetherness and less certainty about
many issues, while difficult, need not necessarily cause
distress. This can be a thinking pattern of inner contentment
and is recommended whenever possible.
Next Excerpt 
More Excerpts This Chapter
LET ME HIT YOU WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER
THE TYRANNY OF JUDGMENTS
THAT IS THE WAY I AM
YOU MAKE ME UNHAPPY
YOU HURT MY FEELINGS- THEREFORE YOU SHOULD CHANGE
STICKS AND STONES
WE DIG THINKING RUTS
SIZE AND CONTENTS OF THE UNCONSCIOUS
NATURE VS. NURTURE VS. LIFEPLAN
THE PERFECTION THAT YOU ARE NOW
BE HAPPY GETTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT
YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT
YOU GET WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN
HOW CLOSE CAN WE COME TO "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"?
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